Looking after your mental health is one of the most important forms of self-care, yet it is also one of the things people most commonly put aside. Many of us are used to focusing on everyone else first, our family, our children, our colleagues, our friends. We take on responsibilities, support others through difficulties, and try to keep everything running smoothly. Over time, this can leave very little space to notice how we are actually feeling ourselves.
This is especially true for parents of young children, carers, and the "sandwich generation", adults caring for both their own children and their ageing parents at the same time. The role is meaningful and often loving, but the emotional load can be quietly enormous.
When life becomes busy or stressful, it can feel easier to push our own needs down the list. You might tell yourself that you will deal with things later, that others need you more, or that you should be able to cope. But emotional wellbeing doesn't work like a switch we can turn off and on. When stress, exhaustion or worries are ignored for too long, they often begin to show up in other ways, through irritability, overwhelm, low mood, anxiety, physical tension, or simply feeling disconnected from ourselves.
“You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
The oxygen mask analogy, and why it matters
A helpful way to think about this comes from the safety instructions you hear on an aeroplane. In the unlikely event that the oxygen masks drop down, you are told to put on your own mask first before helping anyone else. At first this can sound counter-intuitive. Our instinct is often to help the people around us first. But the reason for the rule is simple: if you do not secure your own oxygen, you will quickly become unable to help anyone at all.
Mental health works in a very similar way.
Taking care of your own wellbeing is not selfish. It is what allows you to show up as the person you want to be for the people who matter to you. When you are emotionally supported, rested, and able to process what you are going through, you have more patience, clarity and compassion. You can think more clearly, respond rather than react, and offer genuine support to others.
The thoughts that get in the way (a CBT perspective)
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we know that the way we think directly shapes how we feel and what we do. For people in caring roles, certain unhelpful thinking patterns tend to come up again and again:
"I should be able to cope on my own."
"Other people need me more, my feelings can wait."
"If I rest, I'm being lazy or selfish."
"A good parent / daughter / partner wouldn't feel this tired."
"I haven't got time to look after myself."
These thoughts often feel like facts. But in CBT terms they are usually "shoulds", “musts”, all-or-nothing thinking, or self-critical mind-reading, common cognitive distortions that quietly drain our energy and crowd out self-care.
Try gently asking yourself the same questions you might ask in a journalling or thought-record exercise:
What is the evidence for and against this thought?
Would I say this to a close friend in the same situation?
Is this thought helpful, or is it making things harder?
What might a more fair, compassionate perspective sound like?
A reframed version might be:
"I am doing a demanding job caring for the people I love. Looking after my own wellbeing is part of that job, not separate from it."
This isn't about forcing positivity. It's about giving yourself a more balanced, realistic perspective that you can actually live by.
A values lens (an ACT perspective)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) invites us to ask a different question: not "Am I doing enough?" but "Am I living in line with what matters to me?"
If your values include being a loving parent, a present partner, or a caring son or daughter, then long-term, sustainable self-care is not a distraction from those values. It is one of the ways you live them out.
ACT also reminds us that we can notice difficult thoughts ("I'm being selfish", "I haven't earned a rest") without having to obey them. You can acknowledge the thought, thank your mind for trying to keep you on top of things, and still choose the action that fits your values: going to bed earlier, booking the GP appointment, accepting help, or starting therapy.
Bringing in self-compassion (a CFT perspective)
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), developed by Professor Paul Gilbert, highlights something many carers know intimately: we can be endlessly compassionate to others, while speaking to ourselves with relentless self-criticism.
CFT teaches that compassion is not weakness, indulgence or softness. It is the strength to turn towards suffering, including our own, and respond wisely. When we spend too long in "threat" or "drive" mode (rushing, fixing, worrying, achieving), our nervous system never gets to settle. Self-compassion activates our soothing system, which is what allows real recovery, rest, and connection.
A simple compassionate phrase to try, especially when you notice your inner critic, is:
"This is a hard moment. Many people caring for others feel this way. May I be kind to myself right now."
Small, meaningful acts of self-care
Self-care does not have to mean grand gestures or large amounts of time. Often it starts with small but meaningful actions:
Giving yourself permission to rest (in whatever form that is for you), without needing to "earn" it.
Talking honestly with someone you trust about how you are feeling. Maybe over a cuppa and catch-up or meeting ahead of collecting the kids from school for a short walk and talk.
Setting boundaries, at work, with extended family, or around your time.
Building in micro-pauses during the day (a slow cup of tea, a walk around the block, three slow breaths between tasks).
Asking for and accepting practical help.
Seeking support from a professional when things feel too heavy to carry alone.
When to reach out for support
If you have been pushing through for a long time, feeling persistently exhausted, overwhelmed, low or anxious, this is a sign. Not of weakness, but that your system has been asking for care for a while. Therapy can be a powerful space to slow down, make sense of what you are carrying, and learn practical CBT, ACT and CFT-based tools to support yourself sustainably.
Just like putting on your own oxygen mask first, looking after your mental health allows you to breathe more easily. From that place of stability and care, you are far better able to support, connect with, and be present for the people around you.
Lisa Johnston CBT, ACT & CFT-informed Therapist Director, My Therapist Online
If this resonates and you'd like to talk to someone, you can find an experienced UK therapist through My Therapist Online and we'll match you with a therapist who specialises in CBT, ACT or compassion-focused work, whichever fits you best.