Swapping Modesty for Self-Love and Self Compassion in a British Society
The British are known for being a society of somewhat self-deprecating individuals who tend to downplay compliments or respond with modesty regarding their achievements. This is reminiscent of the character played by Hugh Grant in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'. However, rather than making us more likeable and attractive, our modesty and humility may be hindering us.
Narcissism is a widely discussed topic and is often associated with negative connotations. However, an article published in the New Scientist suggests that individuals who possess "good" or "everyday" narcissistic traits tend to excel in job interviews and easily attain leadership positions. They are also more successful in romantic relationships and less likely to experience depression and anxiety. According to psychologist Salma Shah, excessive selflessness and self-deprecation can lead to missed career opportunities, as others may perceive these traits as a lack of confidence.
While it's important to be humble and self-aware, excessive modesty or self-deprecation can be detrimental to our relationships and overall well-being. It's essential to find a balance between healthy self-confidence and humility in order to cultivate meaningful relationships and achieve personal growth.
Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, profoundly emphasised the importance of self-acceptance and self-worth for personal growth.
““The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.””
Rogers believed that a nurturing environment filled with genuineness, acceptance, and empathy is fundamental for an individual's development. He encapsulated this idea in a compelling quote: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." This statement beautifully illustrates the necessity of embracing oneself fully—acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses—as a vital step towards personal transformation.
It underscores the importance of finding a healthy equilibrium where one can be both confident in their abilities and modest about their limitations, fostering not only personal growth but also enriching relationships. This balance, as Rogers suggests, is important for evolving into the best versions of ourselves.
This is not to suggest we should all take on the more severe traits of narcissistic personality disorder, be self-obsessed, and have a sense of entitlement with a grandiose sense of importance. What we are aiming for here instead is ‘healthy narcissism’.
What is "healthy narcissism” and “adaptive self-esteem”?
"Healthy narcissism” refers to a positive sense of self-regard without the negative and harmful aspects associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Another phrase that can be used in this context is "adaptive self-esteem". This refers to a healthy and balanced sense of self-worth that allows individuals to feel good about themselves while also being able to acknowledge their limitations and shortcomings.
We are aiming for healthy and helpful self-belief, positivity and confidence. To be good at promoting ourselves but with enough empathy and altruism to know when to dial up or turn down self-focused behaviour.
“Healthy narcissism” or "adaptive self-esteem" can be characterised by the following traits:
Positive self-esteem - People with have a positive view of themselves and their abilities, but they do not over-inflate their sense of self-importance.
Healthy self-focus - They are able to focus on their own needs and desires without disregarding the needs of others.
Resilience - They are able to cope with setbacks and failures without becoming overly defensive or reactive.
Empathy - They are able to empathise with others and understand their perspectives.
Self-awareness - They have a realistic and balanced view of themselves, including their strengths and weaknesses.
An individual with adaptive self-esteem possesses the capacity to share their accomplishments with credibility, while also displaying genuine concern for others. They possess the courage to take risks and embrace the possibility of failure, while exhibiting emotional resilience and a growth-oriented mindset that enables them to learn from mistakes and keep moving forward.
What is a growth-oriented mindset?
A growth-oriented mindset is an attitude or approach to life that focuses on learning, development, and improvement. It involves a willingness to take on challenges, embrace failure as an opportunity for growth, and constantly seek new experiences and knowledge.
Individuals with a growth-oriented mindset believe that their abilities and intelligence can be developed through hard work, dedication, and perseverance. They are open to feedback and critique and view obstacles as opportunities to learn and improve.
This mindset promotes personal and professional growth, and is essential for achieving success and fulfilment in life.
Here is a couple of examples of a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset:
The first example is comparing a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset in the context of someone overcoming an anxiety disorder:
Growth Mindset - A person with a growth mindset facing an anxiety disorder would approach their challenges with a proactive and open attitude.
They view their anxiety not as a permanent state but as a condition that can be improved with effort and the right strategies.
They are committed to trying various therapies, like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), mindfulness, or exposure therapy, seeing each method as an opportunity to learn more about managing their condition.
They appreciate feedback from therapists and support groups, using it to adjust their approach and reinforce their coping skills. This person believes that with perseverance and dedication, they can influence their anxiety levels and improve their quality of life.
Fixed Mindset - Conversely, a person with a fixed mindset struggling with anxiety might believe that their disorder defines them and that their ability to cope is static. They might resist trying new coping strategies or therapies because they fear failure or believe that such efforts won’t change their situation.
Feedback from therapists or peers might be perceived as criticism or confirmation of their ineffectiveness, leading to discouragement. This individual might avoid situations that trigger anxiety, thus reinforcing their fears and potentially worsening their condition over time.
Another example is within a work setting. Imagine two colleagues are tasked with developing a new project proposal for their company.
Growth mindset - The colleague with a growth mindset would approach the project with enthusiasm and view it as an opportunity to develop their skills and expertise. They would tackle the project with a positive attitude, embracing any challenges that arise as opportunities to learn and grow. They would be open to feedback and critique from their colleagues, recognising that it could help them to improve and develop their proposal further.
Fixed Mindset - The colleague with a fixed mindset may approach the project with anxiety or reluctance, believing that their abilities are predetermined and that they are either "good" or "bad" at developing proposals. They may struggle to take on feedback or input from others, feeling that it would undermine their own competence. As a result, they may become stuck in their own perspective and miss out on opportunities to learn and grow from the project, potentially leading to a less successful proposal.
How to swap humility for compassion
In discussing the shift from excessive humility to a more balanced self-perspective, it's valuable to consider the role of self-compassion. Most people I encounter could benefit from shifting some of their humility towards compassionate self-talk.
This shift is especially important for those who are prone to being overly modest, critical or self-deprecating, often minimising their accomplishments or skills. While humility is undoubtedly a virtue, it can sometimes inhibit individuals from realising their full potential.
By cultivating healthy self-love, self-compassion, or self-esteem, individuals can gain the confidence and courage needed to pursue their goals and take risks, even when facing potential failures or setbacks.
““Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.” ”
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, articulates this balance well. She suggests that self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that one would offer to others.
Neff states, "Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others." This approach helps to develop an internal voice that is more compassionate, replacing critical or harsh self-judgment with a more supportive and nurturing tone. This kind of internal dialogue can be profoundly transformative, enabling individuals to recognise their value and capabilities more fully while maintaining a humble and open stance toward continuous learning and development.
However, it's helpful to recognise that there is a fine line between healthy self-love and unhealthy narcissism. Excessive self-love can veer into a sense of entitlement, arrogance, and disregard for others. Therefore, finding a balance between self-love and humility is essential. This balance means acknowledging and valuing our strengths and accomplishments while remaining receptive to learning, growth, and feedback from others.
In doing so, we cultivate a self-awareness that embraces both our achievements and our areas for improvement, fostering a wholesome and effective approach to personal and professional life.
Tips for shifting from modesty to self-love and self compassion.
In striving for a healthy balance between modesty and self-love, the concept of self-compassion plays a pivotal role. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would offer a good friend. This approach can greatly enhance your mental well-being and improve your overall sense of self-regard, steering clear of the detrimental extremes associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Develop healthy self-talk.
Foster self-compassion by monitoring the internal messages you relay to yourself. Notice critical and negative talk if it shows up. Replace critical or negative self-talk with fair statements that encourage and acknowledge your real strengths. This shift helps to cultivate a supportive internal environment that empowers rather than diminishes your self-esteem.
Remember praise rather than criticism
Make it a habit to focus on and remember the compliments and positive feedback you receive. Recording these positive statements alongside your personal achievements can provide a boost during moments of self-doubt. Believing in your own capabilities and worth encourages others to do the same.
Visualise success
Visualisation is a powerful technique that involves creating detailed mental images of desired outcomes. This practice not only prepares the mind and body for success but also cultivates an inner dialogue that reinforces self-worth and capability. By imagining yourself succeeding in various scenarios, you strengthen neural pathways associated with positive and assertive behaviours, enhancing your confidence and self-compassion.
Visualise Yourself Handling Situations with Grace and Confidence: Imagine yourself in challenging situations such as job interviews or public speaking engagements. Visualise yourself responding with confidence, articulating your thoughts clearly, and leaving a positive impression. This mental rehearsal can decrease anxiety and increase your self-belief.
Visualisation Exercise for Success
(The example here is of a successful job interview)
Find a quiet place where you can sit or lie down comfortably.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to relax your body and mind.
Visualise yourself entering the interview room with a calm and confident demeanour.
See yourself answering the interviewer's questions with ease and clarity, demonstrating your knowledge and experience.
Imagine the interviewer nodding and smiling, impressed by your answers.
Visualise yourself making good eye contact, smiling, and using confident body language.
Picture yourself closing the interview on a positive note, thanking the interviewer for their time and expressing your enthusiasm for the opportunity.
Finally, imagine receiving a call or email from the interviewer offering you the job.
Take a few deep breaths and slowly open your eyes, feeling calm and confident about your ability to ace the interview.
Use the superhero pose!
Engage in physical stances that exude confidence, such as the 'superhero pose.' Standing with your hands on your hips, legs slightly apart, and chin tilted upward can actually stimulate a psychological boost, reinforcing your internal sense of power and self-assurance.
Practice self-care
Self-compassion also means taking care of your physical and emotional needs. This includes adequate sleep, regular physical activity, a nutritious diet, and engaging in enjoyable activities. Prioritising self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself.
Set goals & work towards them
Setting realistic, achievable goals fosters a sense of accomplishment and pride. Celebrate your successes and consider them as opportunities for personal growth and affirmation of your abilities.
Practice self-reflection
Regular self-reflection encourages a deeper understanding of your thoughts and behaviours. Reflect on how they align with your values and how they affect others, fostering a compassionate insight into your personal development.
Seek feedback
Encourage feedback from trusted friends, family, or colleagues. Constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for growth, helping you to view yourself from another perspective and adjust behaviours that may be hindering your personal relationships.
Cultivate positive relationships
Surround yourself with people who support and encourage your growth. Positive relationships can serve as a mirror reflecting your strengths and areas for improvement, helping you to foster a balanced sense of self-love and humility.
By integrating self-compassion into your daily life, you can enjoy the benefits of increased self-love without slipping into narcissism, thus achieving a healthy, balanced approach to personal development and interpersonal relationships.
What type of therapy is good for helping develop healthy narcissism?
Therapies we recommended for developing healthy self-esteem and self-worth include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and mindfulness-based therapy.
These therapies can help to identify and challenge negative thought patterns, improve self-talk and self-compassion, and learn coping skills for managing difficult emotions.
In British society, the cultural norm of modesty and self-deprecation, reminiscent of Hugh Grant's character in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral', often serves as a double-edged sword. While it may enhance like ability, this trait can also hinder personal and professional growth by suppressing self-advocacy and achievement.
Carl Rogers highlighted the transformative potential of self-acceptance with his notion that accepting oneself as is allows for change, promoting an environment rich in genuineness and empathy. Similarly, Dr. Kristin Neff champions self-compassion, advocating for treating oneself with the same kindness given to others, thereby fostering a healthier self-image and a positive engagement with the world.
As the British societal landscape evolves, shifting towards a more balanced expression of self-compassion and confidence could significantly boost personal fulfilment and societal contributions. Such a change necessitates embracing practices like healthy self-talk, focusing on positive feedback, and engaging in self-care to cultivate a growth-oriented mindset that fully realises one's potential.
Lisa Johnston
Director My Therapist Online
CBT & EMDR Therapist
All images from Pexels.com
